A Busy Day

This is Central Park:

This was our path through the jungle.  We had a fabulous adventure meandering the middle of Manhattan.

1: Columbus Circle

One of my favorite places to chill in the city and enjoy a Jamba juice.

2: Hecksher Playground

Gabe jumped the fence and ran straight to the tire swing.  

I'm certain he was running away from Kim in this one.

We like cute, cheesy pictures together.

3: The Carousal

For only $2.50, this is one of the best deals in Manhattan.

4: The Mall

I love this place, and I never come here enough.

The benefit of being small, you can fit inside a bubble.

I love Bethesda fountain, and I really wanted to rent a boat on the lake, but that was out of our budget... maybe next time.

Kim was happy to see the sweaty men dancing and flipping.

5: The Obelisk 

Another favorite!  I remember reading about this in the sixth grade and how the acid rain has destroyed parts of the face.  I was scared of rain for years.

This is us being cool

6: The Reservoir

Scary faces

It started raining on the walk, but we were prepared.

7: Bridge #23

He is just so cute!

8: Tarr Family Playground:

This one is at 110th street and Central Park West.

Can you tell he had fun?

These two are hard to drag away from any playground.

All in all, it was a very good day.  We are tired from the walking, but the jalapeno pickles we bought at the Farmer's Market gave us enough kick to walk the final blocks home.

Central Park: Part One

Fringe Benefit

Sometimes I get to see the sights while I kill the bugs.

How are we doing?

Well, we're super!

Summer Lovin'

Have you ever had a perfect date?  

I have. 

It started with a pretty girl and a train ride to Coney Island.  We added some fresh italian ices, bacon cheese fries from Nathan's, a stroll along the boardwalk, kissing on the pier, some pictures in a photobooth, and a whole lot of laughing.  I wouldn't have changed a thing, and I can't wait to do it again.

Grandpa's Chickens

My grandpa has a lot of sayings (I think that is a prerequisite to becoming a grandfather).  One of my favorites is "I never plan a menu.  I let the stores tell me what I am going to cook.  When they have a sale, I buy the food and that's what we eat."  I might be a little off in the wording but I know I caught the meaning.

He loves to buy food in bulk.  Not as in "I bought 200 hotdogs from Costco" bulk, but when a store--any store within 50 miles-- advertised a great sale price on frozen chickens, he would buy all of them.  20 frozen chickens.  If there was a limit to how many a person could buy, my grandma would stand in line behind him, and they would both buy the maximum limit, and then they would do it again until they had a carload of frozen chickens.

These chickens were put to use right away.  Many families would receive a frozen chicken straight from grandpa's freezer.  If we went for a visit after a recent conquest, he would order me to the freezer to grab a bird to take home.  Many more families received a cooked chicken on a Sunday evening.  Grandpa learned that if he stood the chickens straight up while cooking rather than have them lie flat, he could fit more in his oven.  He would cook several chickens each week, chop them up, wrap them in foil, and deliver them to anyone he felt might need a little extra food.

No one has to ask for food, he just helps.

His service extends beyond the chickens.  Grandpa learned that, when properly planted, tomato plants produce a lot of tomatoes.  He tore up half of his backyard and planted a whole mess of tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, squash, and any other plants he found on sale.  I lost track of how many times I came home from work to find a tray of vegetables sitting on my porch.  His yearly crops easily reach hundreds of families every year.

No one asked him to plant, he just does.

This reminds me of another saying he has.  While serving an inner-city mission for the church, members of the ward in which he served asked him if he had been a Bishop or Stake President in his previous callings.  My grandpa always replied "I have the best calling in the church, I am a Home Teacher."  The members would chuckle and tell him that everyone is a Home Teacher, but he would add "Yes, but I actually do my home teaching."  In the Mormon church, most every adult is given the responsibility to visit and teach other members of the ward at least once a month, and many members, including myself at times, are lackadaisical in this assignment.  But not grandpa.  In fact, once a month is not nearly enough, and he makes several visits to ensure that all in his care are sound.

Grandpa doesn't care about accolades, payments, or titles.  He cares about people.  It may be hard to see that love through his gruff exterior, but  I have seen it through the food he delivers.

Some people can fake being nice, some people can fake piety, but no one can fake service.  You either do or don't, and Grandpa does.

Summer Snacks

Gabe insisted that I pick him up from his school at lunch today, so I did.  We rode the bus to Morningside Park where we quickly discovered that it was too hot play and decided to go get a soda and find some shade instead.

Our snack consisted of orange soda (because he wanted us to have the same kind) peanut butter M&M's for me and Reese's Pieces for him (because that is what ET likes).  We dined under the shady trees on Columbia campus.  

It is going to be a very good weekend.

The Table Has Turned

My grandpa is sick.

It is not my place, nor is this an appropriate forum for me to talk about his medical diagnosis, but this blog is where I can share my thoughts about him, about life, and about the frustration of being so far away from someone I really care about.

That last part--the part about being far away from a loved one--didn't make a lot of sense to me the last few months.  When my medical issues started and I later received the dreaded cancer diagnosis, I was inundated with calls from family expressing their concern.  To be honest, I didn't want all the phone calls.  There wasn't anything that they could do to help me, and I didn't want to tell the same story twenty times a day.  I couldn't understand why, at a very stressful moment in my life, people kept calling me!  I had enough problems to deal with that I couldn't take conversations about other people's feelings any longer.

But now I understand.

I understand the helpless feeling that nags at me while I am enjoying my recovery here in NYC while my grandpa is in the middle of some really tough treatments.  I understand the frightening reality that I might not make it back to Utah in time to see him again.  I understand that when someone you love is sick, you want to be by their side.

Grandpa would be the first to say it, and I will certainly echo it, that he is not a perfect man.  I have no doubt that his pragmatic personality is quite matter-of-fact about his condition.  However, that doesn't stop me from caring, so I will do for him what others did best for me.  I will talk about the good times I had with him. When I was at my lowest point, the happy stories friends told me about their experiences with me made all the difference.  I didn't need to hear how sad people were for me, I needed to hear how happy people were that I was in their lives.

I don't know where to begin.  I could start at the beginning and talk about my earliest memory of him where he would take a towel in both hands and have me sit on it like a swing.  He would then lumber around the house swaying the towel side to side while singing a song about an elephant.  It seemed to me at the time that my grandpa was so strong for being so old.  In retrospect, he could have only been in his late forties at the time and not so old at all.

I could start at the most lasting memory of his continual service to friends and family.  Working side by side to take the day-old breads from a grocery store to a low-income neighborhood on Sunday mornings was a special treat to me.

Ultimately, I will share the stories as I feel the need to.  I know that the old man wouldn't want any extra attention, but that won't stop me from doing it because as his grandson, a little bit of that stubborn love has worked its way into my heart, and I love my grandpa.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

*There is a gross picture at the end of this post; you have been warned.*

I have been home from the hospital for almost three weeks, and it has been an interesting respite.  

The Good:

• I am allowed to stay in bed all day and watch TV.  
• The semester is over, and there isn't any homework for me to do or papers to finish.
• By not working I am able to spend a lot of time with my son, and we are enjoying this time to relax.
• The results of the Lymph Node Dissection were fantastic!  All lymph nodes were cancer-free, so I do not need any chemotherapy at this time.  I will still have a number of blood tests and CT scans over the next few years to make sure that the cancer stays away, but this is really great news.  I can focus on recovery and getting back to work sooner.

The Bad:

• I am close to getting cabin fever.  I occasionally get out for walks, but after a few days of being trapped inside, it can be scary to venture out into the Upper West Side.
• I hate sleeping on my back--a lot.  I am now to the point where I can spend about 2 hours on my side, but then it hurts too much.
• There is still a lot of pain, but it was a big surgery, so I am happy to have less pain today than yesterday.

The Ugly:

• You might not want to see this, but I am going to share it.  This is part of my incision.  The surgeon opened up parts of it to allow fluids to drain.  It is gross, but I am used to it, and it is going to leave a really cool scar.

*I told you it was a nasty picture.*

Adventures in the Upper West Side

We had Gabriel for another weekend, and since this was my last chance to get out and play before the surgery, we decided to have another adventure.  Kim has a great set of cards that show places in the city that are perfect for kids to explore.  Our first trip was to the hippopotamus playground.  We took the scenic route down Riverside Park as we live so close to it.

Gabe stopped at every playground on the way there to show off his cool playground skills.

We found some dinosaurs.

They were pretty cool.

Kim and Gabe chased each other for awhile.

I took a lot of pictures of my pretty wife.

Yes, my son likes to walk like this, and I love it.  He has style!

We stopped at the Soldiers and Sailors monument. (It is really big, so google it if you want to see the rest of it)

We took some cheesy shots.

We took some warm and fuzzy shots.

Gabe took 15 shots of me walking to the camera. (Trust me, there were a lot of them)

We found the Hippo Playground!

There were baby hippos too.

Kim and Gabe found several ways to be goofy.

There was room for a child to climb inside, but Gabriel was no fool.

We also had some pleasant conversations.  Who knew hippos were so comfortable?

It was a great weekend, and I am truly blessed to have such an amazing family.

Retroperitoneal Transabdominal Lymphadenectomy Extensive Including Pelvic, Aortic, and Renal Nodes

The good news: my surgery has been approved by the insurance company.

The bad news: the surgery is going to happen.

I have been dreading this day for the last couple of months, and I had a great time keeping myself distracted with a busy semester at school full of classes, readings, and papers.  The surgery is commonly known as RPLND, and I have heard from reliable sources that it isn't too bad, but I am still traumatized from the orchiectomy (trust me, you don't want a link to read about that surgery) when my surgeon sent me home with a small prescription for Tylenol with Codeine... it was a very long and painful weekend until I got some Percocet.

However the words of Tennyson keep repeating in my mind "half a league, half a league, half a league onward."  The surgery was moved from Thursday the 10th to Tuesday the 8th, so I am ready to get this done.  I will be in the hospital for a few days, and depending on the level of painkillers I will either be reading books or staring at the wall in a daze.

This was not the type of Summer vacation I was expecting, but it is the vacation that I need.  After all, mine not to make reply, mine not to question why, mine but to do and thrive. (Obviously this is inspired by Tennyson, but I had to change the words for something a little more positive.)

For now, we are having a great weekend adventure in Manhattan because that is what this family loves to do!

Tourist Time

We had an amazing adventure today!

We acted tough 

 walked through the woods

 got really close to the George Washington Bridge

 saw the cutest lighthouse 

 admired the beautiful view

 acted a little crazy

 posed for some model shots

waited in a long line for some delicious street vendor food

got tired of waiting in line and went across the street for the same stuff

 raced to see who could eat the fastest

 enjoyed the sights of Midtown

 and ate ice cream!

Now we are tired, but I think that there will be some more playing tomorrow, especially if this weather stays beautiful.

Cancer: The Learning Curve

The first surprise that hit me once I received the official cancer diagnosis was the complete lack of order in the healthcare system.

I had thought that cancer was just like any other illness where you go to a doctor, and they tell you how to get better, but it isn't.  When I had surgeries in the past for a hernia then gallbladder, it was a relativity simple fix.  See the doctor.  Doctor sees the problem.  Doctor fixes the problem.  Insurance pays the doctor.  I become healthy.  This translates to: "Oh, you have cancer.  Let me give you a shot.  Go home; you are all better."

However cancer is H-N-L!  "Hole-'Nothah-Level"  There are a lot of doctors.  In fact, in the beginning there were so many doctors that I would just drop my pants when anyone in a white coat walked past me.  I knew they wanted a feel no matter how many times I told them there was a lump on my testicle.  Some doctors were nice, and I thanked them for their gentle touch.  There were some that were not so nice and I limped away with little pride and a lot of pain.

While there were many doctors in the beginning, I am now in a phase where there are very few.  As the doctors specialize into various fields, they become fewer and fewer, and just when I thought I found a good one, the mighty insurance company stepped in for a conversation.  They take a perfect doctor and turn him into one that I might not be able to use.  There are not many Urological Oncologists floating around, and I will hold on to hope that this will all work out.

I suppose this is what all those commercials on TV were talking about when they mention "Coordinated Care." But I am tired of this business crap; I just want my life--a healthy, cancer-free life.

This season of sickness has brought around some really good events: great people have reached out to me to express care and concern. People that I know and admire have walked down this same path, and they prove to me that it does get better on the other side.  I have an amazing wife.  She is constantly caring and loving this grumpy fool as I attempt to navigate this mess.  I am blessed with a son (currently nestled by my side) who inspires me to study harder, dig deeper, and play longer.

I don't even know where to start when it comes to the life lessons I have learned these last few months, but I am very glad to have them.  I am grateful for the pain as it gives me focus; I am grateful for the fear as it gives me hope, and I am grateful for life as it gives me joy.

I love this journey, and I couldn't do it without them.

It's tough to be so cool!

Some people have to work really hard at being cool. For us it just

comes naturally! We spent a few minutes this morning on our stoop

waiting for Kim to show up with the rental car. Once we were packed

and munching on treats, we made our way to Maryland to visit the

family.

It is great getting out of the city. I forgot that people have their

own patches of grass to sit on that are free from poop, cigarettes,

garbage, and sleeping students. Out here in the country you can even

let your kid run more than ten feet away from you; it's awesome.

We are having a great time, and there will be more pictures posted

soon. For now you will just have to be happy with looking at our

combined awesomeness as we prepare to take over the world.

Thanks for being a great son!

Little Man,

I love you.  You are so helpful and patient with me, and I want to tell you that we will be running through the parks again soon.  However, for the next few months I will limp, and you will ride your scooter in circles around me.  You are a lucky boy to have so many people that love you.  Everyone you meet wants to be your friend.  Your smile is contagious, and your laughter is my best medicine.  The last four years have been some of the best in my life, and I know that with you there will be many more great adventures.

Love,

Dad

ps-stay awesome--forever.  

Because I'm cool like that

After receiving a great idea from her sister, my wife went to work and ordered some fantastic wristbands!  Having cancer has its advantages.  

Now I am cool.

Kiki's Gift to Little Man

Customize your own scrapbooking design

Happy Heart

There are many things that make me happy, but the greatest blessing in life is my family.  Seeing my wife and son enjoying a few evening stories gives me a warm, smiling feeling in my heart.  We may not have a lot of money, but we are rich.  

I have a great life.  

Just another reason why I love my wife so damn much...

...she thinks that getting a beef patty with cheese on the walk home is a good snack!

Awesome!

Half a Man

I suppose I ought to start this post with an apology.  It isn't very polite of me to make a major announcement about my health on a blog then not provide any follow-up information.  I am sorry.

Now that I have that out of the way, I will tell you what I have been up to.  First, and most important, I got married!  It turns out that the cute lady I proposed to was serious about marrying me, and we done got hitched.  There was even a small blurb about us in an online article; it was pretty cool.  Some of her family came to town, and some of my family came to town.  It was small, and I loved every second of it because Kim is a fantastic woman.  I would like to say that we had a wild honeymoon, and I suppose in a way we did, but two days after tying the knot, I had a radical orchiectomy.  In layman's terms, I had a testicle removed.

It hurt.

A lot.

It has been two weeks since the surgery, and I am still walking with a small limp.  The pathology reports came back, and I have  Stage 1 Testicular Cancer.  I met with my oncologist today, and he recommends that I have a lymph node dissection.  This is needed to verify that the cancer has not spread beyond the testicle and to eliminate future threats of a return.  Depending on the results of that surgery and subsequent biopsy of the lymph nodes, the chemotherapy treatment will begin.  If the cancer has spread to Stage 2, there will be a more aggressive form of chemotherapy.  My doctor said that I could have the option of doing the treatment at Sloan-Kettering or the hospital right across the street.  This is something worth doing, but it will be hard to give up the easy commute of walking across the street for treatment.

I don't know when this will begin.  Little Man has a birthday next week, and I want to play with him on that awesome day.  I also need to bank some sperm.  This might be Too Much Information for some of you, but I don't care; I like saying it.  I think it is funny--banking sperm.  After all the adolescent jokes I made about sperm banks, I now get to go to one!

On a more reflective note, I have had some small emotional struggles with my recent surgery.  While I have never felt my identity was directly connected to my genitals, having a testicle removed has made me reflect on what it means for me to "be a man."  As much of my study in Religion deals with gender roles and sexuality, I feel that I keep an objective view of gender performance, but losing an essential part of my "manhood" has allowed me to understand the world found outside of the traditional heteronormative society a little bit better.

I decided to not withdraw from school for the semester.  My professors are amazing people that will work with me if I start to fall behind, but I do not plan on letting that happen.  I love college, especially Columbia.  It is a kick-ass school, and my peers inspire me.

 Despite the upcoming difficulties, I consider myself blessed.  I have a beautiful wife who has not complained about the many extra chores she has picked up in my sickness, who never tires of showing love, who is always ready to give kisses and hugs, and who has enriched my life with more happiness than I have ever known.  I have a wonderful son whose infectious energy and excitement allows me to see my world as a giant playground.  I have a relationship with a Power greater than my own that grounds me to a truth of love, compassion, and hope.