"Just when I thought I was out..."

I officially started my life in pest control when I was 21.  In 2000, I had just returned home from a LDS mission in the Philippines, and I needed a job.  I called my uncle and started work the next day.  He owned the company that my grandfather had started, and it seemed like a great way to pay for school.

I liked it.  It wasn't too hard, and I enjoyed working with my customers.  I found satisfaction in helping people get rid of their bug problems and sharing my "bug knowledge."  I worked as a technician, manager, owner, and salesman with various companies in various states.

Eventually I wanted to try something new.  I was tired of the office politics found in large companies.  I was tired of wearing a degrading uniform.  I was tired of not being fulfilled in my career.  Although I considered being a technician honest work, there were many people who felt I was at the bottom of the social order.  Through condescending words, humiliating tasks, and repeated threats, I was constantly reminded of my status.  After working nine years as an "exterminator" (I really hate that term) I decided to finish my formal education and start a new path.

I excel in academia.  I love attending class, writing papers, learning new thoughts and perspectives, meeting intelligent peers who challenge me in many ways to become a better student.  After my acceptance to Columbia, I felt certain that I was a new man and that my technician days were just a stepping stone on the path of life.

But then I needed a job.  I searched for seven months to find something, anything, that wasn't pest control.  Nothing was offered.  With a resume that showed close to eleven years of killing bugs, companies saw me as nothing more than the bug guy.  It was not easy looking for a job and explaining to potential employers that I intended to attend school full-time until I graduated.  I saw their faces change as they read my resume and came across my history.  I needed a job that would value my vast experience, be close to school, allow me to finish my degree, provide health insurance, and still give me the time to be a dad.  This was my prayer.  This was my intention that I gave to the Universe.

In an attempt to broaden my networking, I talked to my building superintendent last week to see if she knew of any job opportunities within Columbia that I could apply to.  She didn't, but she did make another call.  She called the pest control company that has the contract for all off-campus University Housing in my neighborhood.  They were interested, and I hesitantly sent them my resume because I wasn't too sure that I wanted back into the pest control world.  Something amazing happened.  Not only were they interested in me, but I was offered a job without a formal interview and started work a few days later based on my experience that they valued.  As they have a large contract with Columbia, I am one of four men working full-time here in my neighborhood.  They provide health insurance even if I do not work a 40 hour week, and they will schedule all of my work around my classes.  I can walk to work, kill some bugs, walk to class, walk back to work, and then walk home at the end of my day to spend time with my boy.  They have been great to me.  They plan to use me for the "high profile" calls that they get which means that I will get to know some very important members of the Columbia community.  With a little luck, I might get a couple of great letters of recommendation for graduate school from some influential people because of this job.

Despite my initial indifference to a life that I thought I had left behind, I was blessed to find a connection that allows me to be a full-time dad and a full-time student.  I am grateful for this opportunity.  I know that it will not be easy, but I never liked taking the easy road.

Lucky Boy

People love to give cool things to my son.  This  morning on our way to the bus stop, we saw the vendor who sells us chicken gyros, and he stopped to buy little man some candy at the newspaper stand.  Someone was very happy to get free candy.

I wonder if I can get someone to pay for his college too...

This Is Why We're Hot

So High

Hey There

My Little Son,

Tonight is the first night that you are spending at your mother's house, and I thought that it would be so exciting to have this huge bed all to myself, but I have discovered that I cannot sleep without your little feet kicking my back.  I want to write you a small note that might capture some of the feelings that I have during this transition.

If the day comes that you stumble upon this blog, scroll through the archives, and find this post, call me.  I don't care what time it is or what I may be doing, call me.  There is so much that I want to talk with you about, and I am sure that won't change even to the day you are reading this.  You might even remember this day.  Do you remember when I took you to the Intrepid museum?  I am sure that we went many times while living in NYC, but this time was special.  When we were getting the tickets, I lied and told them that you were two, so I wouldn't have to pay the $12 to get you in, and you were quick to shout out "No, I'm not two; I'm three!"  I won't lie about your age again.  We played in the helicopter and rode the bus singing songs all the way home.  Do you remember doing that with me?

There are a few things that I am certain about how you will be as an adult; there are a few things that I wonder about your future, and there are many things that I hope you have learned.

I know that you will have many friends.  You have a light inside that people are drawn to.  I know this not just because I am a proud dad, but because I watch you interact with everyone you meet.  You take the time to look people in the eye and say hello.  You smile and wave at the people you see, and they smile back at you. Even the grumpy people on the subway that pretend to ignore you eventually fall under your spell by smiling back at you and telling me that you are special.  Not only will you have many friends, but you will be an amazing friend to each and every one.  Your talent is found in making each person feel special.  You have so much love to share, and I know that you will always find someone to share it with.  I know that you will be very smart-- smarter than me or your mom.  You learn things so quickly that I often feel inadequate in keeping up with your many questions.  I know that you have a fantastic smile.  Your smile brings a lasting happiness, and I know that it will never fade.

I wonder what sports you will play.  Did you decide that you like baseball more than soccer, or have you taken up track because of your endless energy?  What college did you decide to go to?  I am sure that you had your pick between Princeton and Columbia, but was there another offer?  Did you become a Rhodes scholar?  What are you studying?  What are you reading right now?  Do you take your kids to get ice cream cones during evening walks with them?  How tall are you?  Do you enjoy camping?  Has my obsession with Les Miserables inspired you to read Hugo, or did it push you away?  Perhaps what I wonder about most is: was I good dad?  Did I give you the right balance of love, discipline, and attention?  Did we stay friends?

I hope we did.

I hope that you have had your heart broken, but that you have not broken many hearts.  I hope that you have moved around a lot and met many people, but that you have a place to call home.  I hope you have learned about forgiveness; not for yourself (although that is important), but that you have learned to forgive others.  I hope that you don't hold on to the bad things that have happened to you.  I hope that you read "Balow, My Boy" and "Soldier and Dog" to your children at night as they cuddle with you in bed.  Do you still have that same book I read to you from?  I hope that you are safe.  I hope that you know that my door and my heart is always open to you.

I love you, son.

Call me.

Dad

ps- you got a funny face!

MoMA

This morning we visited the  Museum of Modern Art and then walked around midtown seeing Rockefeller Center, Times Square, four Elmo street performers, two Cookie Monsters, one Woody, and one Buzz Lightyear. 

Cooling Off

We spent the morning in Central Park.  Thank goodness for playgrounds with water features.

Alliteration

A superb Sunday in the Summer starts by sharing a Slurpee with my son on a shaky subway.

I like We

Before I was a We, I was Me.

I was smart.  I was fun.  I liked adventures.  I always had a smile.  I, as Me, was awesome!

After some time I met another, and I became We.  We were smarter than Me because two is better than one.  Two quickly became three, and We had a lot of fun.  We had many adventures.  We had many reasons to smile.

Now I am Me again; this does not make Me sad.  A part of We will always be with Me.  We brought Me to where I am right now, and I like Me.

When the time is right, I will meet another soul to share my life with, and until I am a We again, I will be the most awesome Me that I can possibly be.

He Likes It!

It feels great to not hear the little one complain about this dinner; he even ate the broccoli.

So Cool

Not only does he play the guitar, he wears his shades inside.

This kid has moves I can only dream of.

Changes

In the next few weeks, there will be a few major changes in my life.  Gabriel's mom, my spouse for the last four years, is moving out of our apartment, and we will start the divorce process.  Big news.  Sad news.  You may be asking at this point why I am choosing to blog about this in a public forum, and the answer is simple: writing not only helps me understand my own feelings, but this method also allows me to share my thoughts and wishes with many friends and family in a simple way.

For those that know us, you understand that we do not live in Camelot, nor have we ever pretended to be anything other than we were.  We, like so many other couples, have had our ups and downs.  This is not a sudden choice based off of a single act but the realization of what is best for our son and each other.  I want Gabe's mom to be happy-- period.  We will continue to be friends and parents to our precocious child.  I will forever be grateful to her for showing me the Academic world in which I excel and for bringing our son into the world, who makes me smile every day.

You may have noticed that I refer to my spouse as Gabe's mom.  This is intentional; I don't want to use the term "Ex-wife" in describing my future relationship with her.  She is the mother of my son, and he loves her.  It is important that he sees a high level respect from me, and I feel that overusing the term "Ex" dehumanizes the individual and leads to cutting comments and bad gossip.  My son deserves better, and I want him to be nurtured in an environment free of aggression towards his parents.

For those wanting to reach out, I am offering a list of ways to ease this change for all of us.

Don't say "I told you so."  Really.  Not only is a statement like that distasteful in the first place, it is not the kind of energy that I want to be around or associate with.  We all need to heal, and I ask for respect and love instead of spite and nay-saying.  Positive thoughts and words will foster a healthier stage for all of us to deal with this major change.

Don't add any fuel to the fire.  Don't ask for any specific details about my marriage from me or offer any gossip.  It will not make me feel better, and I do not want to expose my shortcomings as entertainment. (See the previous paragraph about positive loving energy)

Don't point fingers or ask someone else to.  Marriage, as with everything in life, is complicated.  I wish there was a simple answer to explain it all to me, but there isn't.  Rather than dwell on what went wrong in my relationship, I want to grow into a better person.  The "blame game" is not productive and only leads to bitterness.  Don't enable me to become stuck in a rut.  I need to move on.

Call me.  I know that I am horrible at answering my phone, and I will work on that.  I haven't had any happy news for some time, and I felt that no one would want to listen to me, but I want to be a friend again.

Forgive me for hiding for so long.  I have been a bad friend.  I am sorry.  Give me another shot at friendship.  I miss you, and I could use your friendship again right now. (This applies to many, many people)

Message me.  I am great at returning emails, and I am somewhat proficient at returning facebook messages.  Keep in touch and let me know about happy things in your life.  Sharing your happiness with me makes me smile, and I like to smile.  Please don't hesitate in shining your sun in my direction.

Love my son.  This is the most important thing that you can do.  If you live near us, and you see him, give him a big hug and tell him what a wonderful child he is.  If you live farther away, keep him in your thoughts/prayers/meditations.  He will be the one to experience the most change, and while I know that he is excited to have two homes, I worry about him.  I want him to have the best in life.  I feel like I have failed him with this change, but I know that he is better off having parents who are friends rather than having parents that cannot talk to each other from years of fighting.  He is a beautiful child, deserving of the purest love you can give.

Respect his mother.  I do not want Gabe to be torn apart in the middle of this divorce.  If you cannot be kind and respectful of his mom, then you do not need to be a part of his life or mine.

Find me a couple roommates!  I will have a three bedroom apartment in Manhattan that will soon have two empty rooms.  The rooms are cheaply priced, so that I can get the right people to live with me.  If you are going to Columbia or just want to live in Morningside Heights, message me and we will talk. I want to make some new friends and get involved in my own life again, so help me create an awesome apartment.

Buy me a motorcycle.  This is a long shot, but if you are sitting on some extra money and can't think of how to be supportive, I want to get back on a bike soon!  

I am not expecting the next few moths to be easy, but I am full of hope in starting this new chapter of my life and excited about the diverse possibilities.  Although this is not the reality that I had dreamed about, I know that we are taking the right steps to a happier life for all three of us.

Scoot Scoot

We are learning to be nicer to the other kids at the playpark.  When I say we, I really mean me.  Little Man is happy to walk in circles and wave at everyone, but I don't have the patience for mean older kids.  Rather than stare the bullies down until they hide in a corner, I walked up to them with Little Man and assured him that he could play with the unoccupied toys no matter what the older kids said.  I may not be able to fix other kids, but I will try my best to give my son the confidence to not be upset by their antics.  

Fire Engine

The kind firemen next door let Little Man climb behind the wheel this evening and take the engine for a spin.

What a lucky boy!

Adventure in Central Park

Yesterday Little Man and I went to Central Park to find a new playground, and we found a great one.  Hecksher Playground is close to Columbus Circle, and it is heaven for a young climber.  With castle walls to climb and bridges to run over, we had a party.  We will go back on a warmer day because they even have a water feature that looks even more fun.

Gabe, in true form, made many friends.  One young girl followed him everywhere and yelled at any other kid who got too close to him.  This park was filled with young men practicing their parkour moves, and some of them were actually pretty good.  When they walked by, Gabriel said hello and waved while other kids run away from the teens.  I don't know how he does it, but people just gravitate to him.  I feel blessed to be his dad and spend time with him everyday.  

Friend Projects

Little Man and I went to Times Square this morning to do a Flat Stanley project for a friend. We saw Elmo, Cookie Monster, and SpongeBob SquarePants hustling for some tips.

For some reason my kid loves this place more than any other park, museum, or tourist trap. He says hello to just about everyone we walk past and joyfully squeals at the lights. I am liking the place more and more. It is free to just sit and people watch, and it is only a few minutes away on the 1 train.

Sometimes it is fun being a tourist!

The Finished Product

Ta-daaa!

We are short one egg because Mr. Turd Ferguson thought that they ought to be opened before dyed.  I blame myself for leaving the carton in front of him while prepping the dyes.

Tomorrow should make for a fun morning of hunting eggs and mini peanut-butter cups.

Easter Prep

Coloring eggs and eating cookies is how we spend our Saturday night.

Rainy Day Play

Rain sucks, but he still has fun.

I am jealous.

Alternate Side Parking

While moving the car this morning to avoid getting a ticket, I realized that my son is one part greeter and one part siren. 

He cheerfully waved at every car that drove by and had a nice conversation with a traffic cop. 

When the street was quiet, he practiced his version of a familiar city sound-- the car alarm.