Friday, September 07, 2012

What I Can't Tell You...

Baby momma drama.

I believe that is the proper name for what I deal with.  For a long time I have kept my issues and frustrations with Gabe's mom secret.  As I wrote about in a previous post, she is his mother, and I don't want him to be in a position where he has to feel defensive about her.  I am a child of divorced parents and still don't like hearing anything negative about either one of them--from anyone.  So it has been my resolve to keep all my issues with her a secret from my family and friends, but this secrecy is difficult to keep especially when the stress starts to climb.

In keeping a secret, I lose my voice.

I want to be honest about what I experience because it seems a bit absurd to lie on a blog, but I don't want my extended family and friends to have any resentful feelings towards Gabe's mom.  I could keep an anonymous blog or make this one private, but I do not hide.  I am left with asking the people who read this to be respectful and understanding.  There is always more than one side to a story, and while I may attempt to be unbiased in my writing, it is an impossible undertaking.

The drama has always been there.  I made mistakes from the beginning.  Eventually the bad times were more frequent than the good times, and the end was inevitable.  Divorce does not mean failure.  I learned a lot from my times with her, but I am glad those days are behind me.  I am grateful that she pulled the plug.  I am a stubborn man and would have endured many more tough years, but now we are both in better relationships with fantastic spouses, and we have a great kid.

Gabe's mom recently remarried, and I am very happy for them.  Gabe's new dad is really cool, and there is so much that he will be able to teach him that I never could.  There are times when my son likes to test the waters here in this house and complain about his other family, and I just remind him that he is very lucky to have two moms and two dads that love him and want him to be happy.  He seems to like this idea, and I think that he will soon learn how awesome it is to have multiple birthday parties and Christmas celebrations.

My happiness for his mom doesn't mean that my relationship with my her is a good one.  I have heard through the grapevine about her angry facebook rants, and she isn't shy in pointing out my failures as a father.  Despite all of that, I can't say that I am angry at her.  Sometimes I want to be angry like when she did everything possible to take away my extra days with my son over the Summer.  It was after my second surgery, and I was keeping Gabe home from his preschool (although it would be a stretch to call it preschool) so we could spend time together.  I wanted time with my son, and she was worried about his academics.  She could also argue that it is important to have a routine for Gabe that involved less dad and more school, but I wasn't in danger of dying, and days home from school will be a rarity once he starts a real program.  However, she not only limited my time with him to three days every other week, she filed a motion in court demanding that my time be further restricted.  I was fortunate to have a wise judge who asked that we work out a better deal, and we did (well it was a better deal for me, but not for her as now we have an equitable amount of time with our son).  But even through all of this drama, I do not resent her.

Most days I feel sorry for her.

I can't imagine the level of her frustration that would make her want to take me to court.  Even with my limited time with Gabriel, the thought of going to court never occurred to me as I barely have enough money to take the subway to get there, let alone the money for an attorney.  I feel bad that her evening phone calls with Gabe are more like interrogations than pillow talk.  I feel bad that Gabriel is starting to ask me direct questions about his mom that I will eventually have to answer.

But then I remind myself that there is much in life that I cannot control.  I cannot dictate what my son will experience when I am not around, nor would I want to.  I am excited to watch him grow and learn from his loving parents.  I am excited to build a loving home that he can always return to for hugs, kisses, food, friendship, love, and acceptance.  I am thrilled to be in a healthy, loving relationship with my wonderfully, most awesomest, stupendously fantastical wife.

There was a time when the dark night of gloom seemed to never end, but now I am happy.

Genuinely happy.

I don't expect the baby momma drama to end anytime soon, but I already feel better knowing that I won't have to hide it any longer.